There is much talk of the expected “Quarantine Baby-Boom” in 2021 after a 2020 of stir-crazy couples spending weeks, if not months, indoors with little to do other than practice recreational procreation. But what are those without partners to do? Dating in the midst of Covid-19 is a risky proposition, let alone engaging in random intercourse with strangers. Are those without a companion forced to choose between safety and celibacy? No! Not with Josefina’s Bunker Bunkmate Matchmaking – where you can skip past relationship initiation rites and advance straight into quarantined domesticity with a companion carefully selected to be your ideal hunker-down hunk or foxy-lady of the foxhole. Just complete the below survey and return it to Josefina’s Bunkmate Matchmaking with the payment of $50 or an 8-roll of undisturbed packaging toilet paper. Within days, your place of self-quarantine will transform into a honeymooner hideaway!
Survey:
If an animal could best describe your romantic life, which of the below best suits you?
a) Queen Bee, b) Bull in a China Shop, c) Horse put out to Stud, d) Dog in Heat, e) Ostrich with its Head in the Sand, f) Cow on a Milk Farm
Which home defense skills do you possess?
a) Martial Arts, b) Crossbow Hunting, c) Gun Handling, d) Brute Strength, e) Sensual Wiles
Which of the below traits do you find permissible in a partner?
a) Alcoholism, b) Debbie-Downer Pessimism, c) Pollyanna Optimism, d) Chronic Masturbation, e) Contrarianism, f) Entitlement, g) Delusions of Grandeur, h) Holier than Thou Righteousness
Which of the below traits do you possess?
a) Alcoholism, b) Debbie-Downer Pessimism, c) Pollyanna Optimism, d) Chronic Masturbation, e) Contrarianism, f) Entitlement, g) Delusions of Grandeur, h) Holier than Thou Righteousness
Which sources of moral guidance do you abide by?
a) Trump, b) the Bible, c) Non-Christian/Judaic religious texts, d) Zodiac or Tarot, e) Joe Rogan
Which of the below are you squeamish about?
a) Butchering an animal, b) Tending to the Sick – Vomiting, c) Tending to the Sick – Diarrhea, d) Lethal Force against an Intruder, e) Spying on a Neighbor, f) “Butt-stuff”
Which of the below are reasonable alternatives to toilet paper in the event of defecation?
a) Showering, b) Splash from a bucket of water, c) Bidet, d) Other paper source – Flushed, e) Other Paper Source – placed in Garbage Bin, f) None of the Above
Which of the below represent your preferred binge-programming?
a) True Crime, b) Reality Show – Drama, c) Reality Show – Cooking, d) Reality Show – Staged Performance, e) Scripted Comedy, f) Scripted Pornography, g) Unscripted Pornography
Which of the below frozen foods do you prefer (choose primary and secondary)?
a) Pizza, b) Ice Cream, c) Pot-Pie, d) Other Meat Pie – Non Burrito, e) Burrito
Which of the below pantry foods do you prefer (choose primary and secondary)?
a) Peanut Butter, b) Baked Beans, c) Ramen Noodles, d) Granola, e) Fermented Cabbage
Which of the below non-physical interactions do you prefer?
a) Jigsaw Puzzles, b) Board Games, c) Card Games, d) Staring Contest, e) Telepathy
Which of the below mood enhancers do you find approvable?
a) Alcohol, b) Benzos, c) Cannabis, d) Libido/Erection Enhancers, e) Huffing Fumes, f) Fentanyl
Which of the below bedroom activities do you find approvable?
a) Eating in Bed, b) Spanking, c) Choking, d) Tickling, e) Voyeurism – Watching, f) Voyeurism – Performing, g) Polyamory with Others in the Bunker, h) Polyamory with Strangers found Outside of Bunker, i) “Butt-Stuff”
If you do not leave the house during a week, how often would you wash?
a) Daily, b) Daily, but just the Essentials, c) Every Other Day at least, d) When I can smell myself, e) When others say they can smell me
In the case of food scarcity, what options are on the table?
a) Eating local wildlife – squirrel, ducks, b) Stealing from a neighbor, c) Eating a domestic pet, d) Cannibalism – Unrelated, e) Cannibalism – Relative, f) None of the Above – Starvation
In the case of medicine scarcity, who should be medicated?
a) I should have the medicine in order to better care for my partner, b) My partner should have the medicine in order to better care for me, c) We should split the remaining medicine and hope for the best, d) I will hide the medicine, keep for myself and say I have not seen it, e) I will smother my partner with a pillow in an act of mercy.
In the case of domestic strife, what options would you consider?
a) Avoid, ignore, become indifferent, b) Separate – create boundaries, c) Abandon the bunker and shack up with someone else, d) Evict partner from the bunker through force or intimidation, e) Smother partner with a pillow in an act of mercy.
APOCALYPOLIS 